I read in another post about someone needing their wisdom teeth out. I know the feeling.

I was in my first year of college when I got the news. All four of my wisdom teeth were impacted. Naturally I made the neccessary mental calculations to increase my beer intake. I would need so many more a day, which meant so much more money to buy the beer, minus the cost of gas to return the empties, plus the empties refund, minus the cost of gas to go to the beer store to buy more.

It gave me more of a headache than the impacted teeth already did, so I decided to have them out.

Now being the manly he-man kind of guy that I am, I told my dentist to forget the hospital, forget an overnight stay or any such crap. Grab a saw and a pair of pliers and let's get it done.

He called and made an appointment for me with an oral surgeon friend of his, then promptly sent over my fresh xrays by courier. the one thing everyone told me was.....Make sure you have someone there to drive you home.

I laughed at this because let's face it, I wasn't having my legs amputated, just a few stubborn teeth taken out. But I promised I would , I also made a mental note that my dentist, his receptionist, and the oral surgeon couldn't have been too bright to underestimate me in this way.

Anyway, I called all my friends to set up a ride home but they were all booked. I understood completely. I didn't have a steady chick at the time ( are you kidding? it was college!) So there was no one else to call but my parents.

My Mum said she would drive me there and drive me home, no problem.And so on the appointed day, at the appointed time, she chauffered me to the oral surgeons. He had an office one floor up and no elevator, no problem, we scaled the stairs. Mum went into the waiting room, I went into the chair.

I remember telling him a bit about the Civil War as they put the mask on me, but that was it.I was out cold in the deepest of sleeps. When I came to, I was on my side on some kind of leather bed thing, you know, like the school nurse used to have? My Mum was peering down at me anxiously looking into my one visible eye. I explored my mouth with my tongue and found it packed with gauze and god knows what else. I motioned to my Mum, using my hand...I held it out from my face "Am I all swollen?" She nodded and said "are you ready to go?" I gave her the thumbs up and she turned to get her purse.

I slowly stood up and being the gentleman that I am (chicks dig that) I held the door for her and waited for her to leave first. She got her purse and turned to see me full frontal for the first time.

She fainted and dropped like a stone.

I grabbed her under the armpits and put her on the leather bed thing and tapped her face. She came around as I sat beside her with my arm around her. "I just need some fresh air " she said "it's stuffy in here, I'll be fine in the fresh air". We left, her first, me closely behind. We got down the stairs and outside whereupon she said "I'm fine now". She was turning to look at me when she said it, when she saw my face full frontal again....She dropped like a stone on the sidewalk.

Her car was right out front, another 4 steps and she would have made it. I opened the back door of her Plymouth and grabbed her under the armpits and dumped my Mum in the backseat as gently as I could. Then I fished around in her purse til I found the keys.

I drove her home. My face looked like I had stuffed Onion Soup bowls in my cheeks ( you know, the deep ones) and I was bleeding into my gauze quite a bit, but I got us home no problem. I didn't let my Mum look at me again for days. when I ran out of gauze I bit down on tea bags, good advice for anyone going to have it done.

True story, I swear.

My God , television has hit an all time low. I found myself in the extraordinary position of turning it off before I threw something through it. I love tv normally, it keeps me company after all the chicks go home (poor things).But these days with the stupid reality shows, and now all the Michael Jackson coverage, I can barely stand to have it on at night.

My brother just called me to offer me use of his cottage for 10 days. That was nice of him. I wasn't expecting him to do that this year now that he's married. My sister2 called this afternoon.She has my mum staying with her while my dad and sister1 go to Windsor for my aunt and uncles 60th wedding anniversary. I cannot afford to make the trip and I bitterly regret it. I really love my aunt and uncle. But my dad being there is a very good reason for me to stay home. Apparently my mum now has to use a walker to get around, this was news to me. Makes perfect sense for she and my dad to be up at my cottage eh? Nothing like rough uneven ground when you need a walker to manage flat floors.

I thanked my brother and told him I'd let him know. He said that he and his little seniorita had lousy weather the whole time they were up there. Wet and cold, he said. The weather was like that last summer when we were up, rained almost the whole time. Personally I blame the Chinese.

Maybe I'll give Mick a call and see if he would like to come up again. I can't imagine him saying no. Any opportunity to get away from asphalt and concrete and he's in like Flynn. The bugs will all be gone by the time we get there, hell, they're gone now. Whatever the weather, I know we would have a great time.I'd like to see if I can get Tiny and Carolann up there too. He hasn't been up there since 1982 and she has never seen it. She sure has heard a lot about it though, and I know she would like to see it. In my cottage there is enough room for them , all the kids, and Mick. But my brothers is a tiny 2 bedroom shack and I've been waiting to get in my place before I invited them up.

 I thought my folks would finally admit they were past it and the place would finally be mine to use this summer. I mean my place, not my brothers. But my dad has my sisters to enable him and that is why I am home writing this and they are in MY cottage. I curse the day I bought it from them. I curse the day I ever agreed to this stupid arrangement, and mostly I curse them. My only comfort is that the place is worth 7 times what I paid them for it back in 1988.

Oh well, you play the cards you're dealt.

I think I'll have a few beers and consider all my options.

So I got up this morning , marveled at my sexy bod , and then sat down to do some thinking. Normally I try hard to avoid that kind of strenuous activity but there comes a time when a man's got to do what a man's got to do.

I overheard some guys going into the Post Office talking about hunting. I'm seriously thinking of taking it up. The one guy said he had great luck hunting wringed neck peasants on his farm. I think even I could shoot a wringed neck peasant. They couldn't move too fast. I'm pretty sure.A head shot might be kind of hard with the head lolling all over the place, but I could hit the body. I'm pretty sure.

Sitting outside on my little porch is a very interesting way to start the day. I like drinking my breakfast out there. I get angry at all the old farts who think they can still drive, taking 4 minutes to get the wheels of their non power steering cars turned into the Post Office parking lot. They can hardly see over the dashboard and move slower than Moe's asses when they do manage to extricate themselves out of the car. I personally have never seen Moe's asses but a lot of people have told me how slow they are, particularly in winter. My friend in Louisiana has an ass but I have never asked her how slow it is.

Personally I think we should have a hunting season on old farts driving cars. You know, survival of the fitness. I'd even allow them to shoot back. I could hit them too. I'm pretty sure.

I had three days worth of breakfast out there. Better safe than sorry. I heard somewhere people are starving, didn't get the location though.They might have been talking about my town, so I didn't risk it. As I sat there two women came out of the Post Office. I know these women , they are both in love with me ( poor things), they saw me watching my world and one of them yelled with a big flourish of her arm "All the World's Of Age!"

I didn't know that. I quickly asked some kids going by if they wanted to join me for a beer. They could have been one of those starving ones for all I knew. They couldn't have been too undernourished because they ran away pretty quickly. Just means I have more for lunch.

Before I start lunch I have to hobble over to the drugstore for some Qtips, the other night my elbow got stuck in my ear. Now I know what you're thinking "Bricker didn't you clean your ears last January?" The answer is yes I did, and people liked the resulting sculpture so much I decided to do it again.

After lunch I'm going to look for a movie I heard two chicks leaving the Post Office talking about...Low Tide and the Seven Wharves, supposed to be a classic.

Lunch time.